Tag Archives: Divorce

Who Should We Listen to?

Who should we listen to? Many of us are always looking for information and advice about our life challenges, but unfortunately we meet the wrong people for this information, and sometimes we end up worsening our situation after applying the techniques and principles we were offered.

I have seen many relationships destroyed, I have seen businesses go under, I have seen people lost jobs, I have seen people miss their purpose just by listening to the wrong people. I believe someone reading this can relate with this; if you’ve gone for counselling or attended a coaching course and still have your issues unresolved despite the amount of money you paid. – It doesn’t mean that the people aren’t qualified, but simply they are not for you.

So who then do we listen to? The best person to listen to, or talk to, or learn from concerning your situation or dreams and goals, is the person who has been where you are and who has what you desire. If you are struggling, going through challenges and poverty, but desire to be successful, you just can’t go and learn from someone who was born into wealth, someone who hasn’t known what it is like to always live on the edge, because they obviously haven’t experienced what you are going through and can’t teach you anything about rising from your position. Continue reading Who Should We Listen to?

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11 Relationships and Marriage Killers

Photo credit: flickr.com
Photo credit: flickr.com
Why do relationships and marriages fail? It amazes me how a couple that can’t take their eyes off each other, will suddenly now can’t stand each other. While there are many different reasons as to why most relationships and marriages end, here are 11 “Marriage killers” shared by D. James Dobson, Relationship expert and Author of many books including, “Love for a lifetime”:

1. Over commitment and physical exhaustion. Beware of this danger. It is especially insidious for young couples who are trying to get started in a profession or in school. Do not try to go to college, work full-time, have a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house and start a business at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do just that and are surprised when their marriage falls apart. Why wouldn’t it? The only time they see each other is when they are worn out! It is especially dangerous to have the husband vastly overcommitted and the wife staying home with a preschooler. Her profound loneliness builds discontent and depression, and we all know where that leads. You must reserve time for one another if you want to keep your love alive.

2. Excessive credit and conflict over how money will be spent. We’ve said it before: Pay cash for consumable items or don’t buy. Don’t spend more for a house or car than you can afford, leaving too few resources for dating, short trips, baby sitters and so on. Allocate your funds with the wisdom of Solomon.
3. Selfishness. There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is the order of the day, however, for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces within a period of six weeks. In short, selfishness will devastate a marriage every time.

4. Interference from in-laws. If husbands or wives have not been full emancipated from their parents, it is best not to live near them. Autonomy is difficult for some mothers (and fathers) to grant, and close proximity is built for trouble.

5. Unrealistic expectations. Some couples come into marriage anticipating rose-covered cottages, walks down primrose lanes, and uninterrupted joy. Counsellor Jean Lush believed, and I agree, that this romantic illusion is particularly characteristic of American women who expect more from their husbands than they are capable of delivering. The consequent disappointment is an emotional trap. Bring your expectations in line with reality.
6. Space invaders. This killer will be difficult to describe or understand in such a brief context, but I’ll try. By space invaders, I am not referring to aliens from Mars. Rather, my concern is for those who violate the breathing room needed by their partners, quickly suffocating them and destroying the attraction between them. Jealousy is one way this phenomenon manifests itself. Another is low self-esteem which leads the insecure spouse to trample the territory of the other. Love must be free and it must be confident. Continue reading 11 Relationships and Marriage Killers

How to Be Happy in Your Relationship or Marriage

Photo Credit: flickr.com
Photo Credit: flickr.com

Fate, circumstances, or other people may help you discover love, and from there a love affair starts that may end up in marriage, but fate, circumstances, or people cannot guarantee how happy that relationship or marriage turns out to be. Just like a wise man once put it; “No man ever gained a happy life by chance, or yawned it into being with a wish.”
Yet there are many of us who falsely believe that dating or marrying the person you love is an automatic ticket to a life of happiness, only to discover later on that that happiness in relationships and marriages, must be worked for; must be earned by patient endurance, self-restraint, and an accommodation for the likes and dislikes of your partner.

The reason why there seem to be many tales of unhappiness in relationships and marriages is because many of us expect to find happiness without taking any trouble to make it, or we become so selfishly preoccupied that we cannot enjoy our relationships.
Happiness in love relationships can only be achieved through continuous sacrifice. We fall in love, and get married to end our misery, yet we become more miserable in our relationships, because many of us ignore the law of “self-sacrifice” which operates in all things God created. The law, that states that; it is more blessed to give than to receive. Continue reading How to Be Happy in Your Relationship or Marriage

10 Ways To Get Your Love Back

One day on a bus ride home, I heard two friends discussing, and one remarked “Everybody wants to get married, meanwhile those of us in the marriages want out.” Then I thought to myself, why are there so many breakups and divorces these days? Don’t people believe in love anymore? What really causes most marital and relationship disagreements?

I am not a relationship expert; as I have no qualifications in relationship or marriage fields. But to answer my own questions and improve my own relationship with people, I went to the “Teacher” and found these words; “Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.” – Song of Solomon 2:15. You see most times the issues we face in our relationships are not the problems, but the symptoms of the problems. Most of our problems stem from these three factors:

“Most people, over a period of time grow accustomed to having their mate around. They assume everything is fine and that the mate will always be with them. Obviously, they assume too much, because four marriages in ten end in divorce, while many other marriages exist in name only”.

Second,” the environment in which we live feeds the problem. Many of our neighbours, friends, advisers, associates consider it corny or mushy to show genuine love and affection for their partners”.

Also, “the changing morality, which recognizes free love, trial marriages, extra-marital affairs, wife swapping and the shedding of a mate for no reason other than boredom, breeds insecurity and uncertainty”.

In order to enjoy our relationships and rebuild our marriages and love, here are 10 tips from Zig Ziglar we can follow:

1. Go back to the beginning. Remember what you did when your relationship was new and young, and before you married each other? Remember how you kept your best foot forward at all times, showed your best side, were on good behaviour, were thoughtful, courteous, considerate and kind? That is an excellent method of rekindling the love, and strengthening your relationship and marriage.

2. Start and end every day with a declaration of love for your mate, and during that day, if it’s feasible, take three minutes to phone just to chat and express your love. After all, the best time to express love for your mate is before someone else does. Occasionally drop a “love letter” in the mail. It’s a small investment with great rewards.

3. Surprise him or her with an occasional gift or card. It obviously isn’t the gift itself, but the thought behind the gift. As Sir Lancelot said, “The gift without the giver is bare.” Another poet expressed it rather eloquently when he said, “Rings and jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only true gift is a portion of one’s self.”

4. Spend some QUALITY time together. Remember how you courted each other so avidly and how you had so much time just for courting before marriage? Repeat the process. Go for a walk or simply turn off the TV and make your mate feel as if he or she is the most important person in your life. He or she is, whether or not you realize it at this moment.

5. Be a good listener. As a wise man once said, “Talking is sharing but listening is caring.” Listen to the myriads of detail and small talk that make up your mate’s day. Always remember that duty makes us do things well, but love makes us do them beautifully. I emphasize again that what occasionally starts out as duty turns into complete love. Interestingly enough, you will be amazed at how exciting some of those details can be.

6. When you disagree, remember, you can disagree without being disagreeable. However, you must never go to sleep at night with unresolved differences. You will not sleep as well and these differences will settle into both of your subconscious minds and will be a recurring source of problems. You can be honest and yet sensitive to each other.

7. Remember, you will often have to “bend over backwards” to please or understand your mate. That position might be a little uncomfortable but it makes it difficult for you or your marriage to fall on its face.

8. Use Ephesians 4:32 (And be ye kind one to another, tender hearted, forgiving one another) as your daily guide.

9. Pray together. Remember, “the family that prays together stays together.”

10. Remember, when the inevitable disagreement takes place, who makes the move to “make up” isn’t important. However, the one who makes the move demonstrates the greater maturity and love.